Singing Keeps the Screams at Bay

Shit Makes Me Cry ...

2005-08-30T01:10:00.000-07:00

So ... I have this thing where I seem to weep at ignorance, or at least ignorance that is hurtful. I mention this because Tati forwarded me a letter, which, while very well-written and mostly clear, was full of ignorance and hurtful, hurtful things. It's posted previous to this, if you would like to see how fast your head can explode. I don't understand how a person can refer to genocide as the result of the white people being united and Native people being divided. What?!? But more than all the angry it makes me feel, it makes me fucking sad, and I just want to cry, and often I do. I ... I do not understand a deep adherence to racist perspectives once one has been offered enlightenment. I have been full of ignorance in my life, and I continue to be. But, as I gained knowledge, at least a lil' bit of the ignorance faded away. And that is not to elevate my own self, but just to say that I do not understand when the same does not happen with other folks... Ai.

I have been engaging in some perspective shifts and expansions of late. I am becoming painfully aware that I am a shitty ally to folks with disabilities like on the most basic level. You know, the part where, as an ally to any group, you are with folks with whom you are comfortable, and someone makes a fucked-up comment, but you don't have the ovaries to say anything? Or, rather I don't have the ovaries to say anything. I have noticed it in the past couple weeks, as I've been spending time with the friends from Calarts. People use words that hurt me and make me upset, but I can't take the simple action of saying so, and asking that at the very fucking least they not talk that way around me, because I am afraid they'll look at me like a crazy, stupid person. I feel secure enough in myself to call it out around my UCR friends, but anyone else, and I turn chickenshit.

So, a really great opportunity to face my cowardice head-on will come this weekend, when I am with my familia. My little brother Arthur is visiting this weekend, on leave from Lake Michigan, so the family's converging in the desert. I feel least secure in the more progessive parts of my life around my family, and I almost never am brave enough to call them on anything. There was that one time I called my brothers racist at the dinner table, which was fun. Everyone was pissed off at me for disturbing dinner. And thought that I was stupid and kinda crazy. So that's good times.

Every time I do try to call a family member out on something, it turns into a pointless lecture and everyone gets angry. So, I am going to try to begin with the fact that shit bothers me, and I would appreciate it if they didn't do it around me, even though when I do go off, all I want to say is that it's fucked up, and that's why you shouldn't say shit, not just because I happen to be "overly sensitive". Dammit. I love my brothers so much. And they say and do so much fucked up shit. How do I resolve that? Aarrggh. And the thing I have to remember, is that I have not always known what i know, and there is lots I still have to learn. Getting angry at people because they don't know any better is pointless. I just get pissed off and start yelling....

I did not advance any life-clarification this weekend, alas. Such a scaredy-cat I am. In happy news, I have a package waiting for me at the rental office, which means that either a poster or books are waiting for me, and that makes me very happy. I like buying shit. Such a consumer. Although I didn't watch any dvds today, which means my Netflix rotation is off. I do like to stay on top of my rotation. God, I am so defining my life by the shit I own. Who the fuck am I??? I fucking bought a bunch of shit at Target. Again. Why are shirts making me so happy? What is wrong with me? And I got a bunch of mags too. Cultural Survival, and then some music mags I only picked up because of the cds attached. Nerd. Big, cowardly, consumer nerd. That's me. And now it's time for sleep.

Crazy Fucked Up Racist Shit

2005-08-30T00:31:00.000-07:00

So, this is a letter that the prez of the College Republicans of UCR wrote to a friend of mine, after she recommended that he read some of Tim Wise's stuff. I both yelled at my computer and wept. Literally. Enjoy!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: THE REDRUNKLICAN - more productive than a protest
Date: Aug 29, 2005 10:33 PM

I agree with a few of his points. I agree that whites are more privileged in America but I disagree with his method of determining privilege. Whites definitely have the advantage of not having to put up with a lot of institutionalized racism. When he says that we "shift focus" to other less privileged groups I think that he kind of underestimates economic privilege as a factor determining privilege. I would rather be a middle class black in Los Angeles than a poor white in the Ozark Mountains (only using color terms because that is what this conversation is based on). I agree that "equal opportunity" is not yet universal and it may well never be. This goes beyond simple color lines though. P. diddy's children have a lot more opportunity than I do and Donald Trumps children have a lot more opportunity than poor black children. Although, I agree that a color barrier exists and in reality Trump’s children have more opportunity than P. Diddy's. So while I agree that there is a definite color barrier in certain things I also think that economic factors play a much heavier hand. Even more than economic factors, the simple factor of family determines a lot of opportunity and privilege. For most of my life I had a unified immediate family that guided me. They didn't give me my beliefs but they gave me direction and that is a very valuable privilege that not all people enjoy. Education is another privilege. Education in Compton is not the same as in Beverly Hills. People often cite de facto segregation for this and in some ways that is true but they also tend to forget that for years blacks were restricted in the areas they could buy homes by mortgage companies and city governments.

When he says it is “moot” when people say “I never owned slaves,” Mr. Wise implicates that simply because whites are white and history views whites as oppressing other races then whites are privileged by default He goes on to say that if we have some benefit from the oppression of others then our personal actions are irrelevant. I somewhat reject this because at one end he is saying that whites apply the actions of a few blacks and apply them to all blacks and here he is applying the actions of a minority of whites and applying it to all. For example most of the issues between whites and blacks grows out of the fact that a nation that said “all men are created equal,” had slaves. Well slavery was not a simple white man owning black man issue. In Africa the African tribes would capture the populations of other tribes and trade them to Spanish and Portuguese slave traders who then brought them to the Americas. Only the richest people in the America could afford slaves since if slavery were still allowed today they would cost about $13,000 each comparably. So an incredible minority of whites owned slaves. Therefore if the whites of today are somehow privileged due to the actions of a minority of whites then the blacks of today are underprivileged due to the actions of a minority of blacks. Both the blacks and whites back then were guilty. The same happened with the Indians. The only reason white people are here today is because united we stood and divided they fell. Scalping was the result of paying Indians to kill other Indians as they needed to prove to that they killed them. The white Americans did not know the land of the Midwest, but many of the plains Indians sold each other out and each other’s land as a way to get back at their old enemies. Again, both sides are guilty. The whole “the border crossed me” argument that I hear from Latinos I really don’t even pay attention to anymore. In my opinion, Mexico is a nation in which 40% of the population recently said they would come to the United States if they could. My family is native to California and that goes back more generations than I know. I am glad the “border crossed me” because if I lived in Mexico right now I would be sneaking into the US just like everyone else. The only group I really feel bad for is the Native Americans. I’m a descendent of the Acjachemen tribe that used to occupy San Juan Capistrano valley and my great uncle, David Belardes, is still very active in the tribe despite his battle with cancer. I’ve been to the reservation and it is a total trash pit and they won a lawsuit against the city years ago because the city sewage system used to dump into part of the reservation and they paid a “tribal leader” to do it, which was a lie. I’ve seen some people in abject poverty that do not have the privilege that blacks and Latinos enjoy whom live on Native American land as well and therefore benefit from their oppression. The Acjachemen choose to live the life they have, though, and have no wish to assimilate into the US, which is why I don’t really get involved with anything more than a few cultural events each year, I’m assimilated and happy. I would much rather live in the United States of America than los Estados Unidos de Mexico, which is the only possible outcome that would have resulted. I am not black but I think it is safe to say that most black people are better off in the USA than in Africa. During the Civil War, Lincoln gave them the option of returning to Africa after the war or colonizing Panama and apparently they chose to stay in the US. That doesn’t excuse what happened to them but it is much better for my ancestors to suffer in the past than for me to suffer today and if they lived in Africa then they would be suffering today. Remember the tsunami? What do you know about the genocide in Sudan? Not much? That’s OK because the world does not care about Africa to lift a finger or even cover it in more than a few stories because things are so bad that they don’t even know how to cover it. Even the on latest National Geographic (a great magazine for anyone really willing to combat their own ethnocentrism) the cover is blank and it just says “Africa” because although a picture says a thousand words, they couldn’t find a single picture to adequately explain what is going on there.

My point in this long response thus far is that the level of privilege one is afforded by society relies on a lot more factors than the pigment of their skin.

But as I said I do agree that white privilege exists, but the actual influence it has may be subjective to the person that thinks they are benefiting or suffering because of it. He even refers to it as the “psychological advantage.” This is just like the whole “white supremacy” concept in which white people think “I am better than them” which to me is ridiculous but at the same time the fact that some white people think this has led to black people to think “they have more opportunity than I do.” I used the word think specifically because at this point I think a lot of the views on race are peoples own impressions of themselves. White privilege does not explain the vast black on black crime rates or the literal destruction of the black family. It may be an obstacle to blacks moving up the social hierarchy but there are some things that are the result of the individual’s own mindset and actions. I have never caused a black to commit a crime against a black nor have I been involved in breaking up a black family. Crime and family are two factors that are going to greatly determine any privilege that a group will enjoy. So I can’t base privilege simply off of a color. I’m not trying to single out blacks, because all groups have issues such as whites are heavy meth users, but I’m just saying that often I hear about the white people being the problem and often it may be one of the lower priority problems. I don’t know how long you have lived in Southern California but every few months there is a problem with the LAPD and the black community and it is always the “white cops killing the black man” but they always leave out the part about the carjacker being 13 years old and driving at high speeds through neighborhoods and then backing into the cops or the guy that gets shot while he is charging the cops with a gun on PCP or the other guy, who is high on crack cocaine, that has a heart attack and dies while violently resisting arrest. In all those instances the white cops are the perceived problem. Mr. Wise talks about if the roles were reversed. Well if roles were reversed I would say the exact same thing. Where is that boy’s father to discipline him? Why is it the cops fault for shooting a madman on drugs? How are the cops responsible for the death of a man with heart failure when he is using a drug that causes heart failure? The problem is so much more local than what color the people living on the other side of the freeway is.

Politicians have to live in the community they are elected in. Why are there not more black or latino politicians in black or latino areas? Young minorities can volunteer for campaigns and get involved in grassroots campaigns, which are much more effective than any other kind of campaign. So I agree with him when he says that, “disagreement is less about the specifics of one or another policy option, and more about the nature of social reality itself.” Except my social reality encompasses a lot more than he is willing to give me credit for. I think the “professional victim” characterization is becoming a legitimate point. Plenty of minorities come to America and cannot even speak English and are often discriminated against far more than others yet somehow they succeed. My best example of this is that I have not had a white doctor in years. How can such prestigious positions, as well as a wealthy career, go to minority groups if there is white privilege that precludes that from happening? Because opportunity and privilege can be created. A friend and I were just talking about Malcolm X and some of his writings we read for a class. The stuff he said about economics is pure genius. White people don’t have much privilege when they go into a black community but black people do and this is what X understood and wanted to use. For some reason it has not yet occurred on a national level. I blame this on the current black “leadership” as they are really just exploiting the black population for their own political gain and they demean other people that should be black leaders; and yes I mean people like Colin Powell, Condi Rice, Clarence Thomas, Larry Elder, Tom Slaton etc. I don’t believe in any idea of white leaders per se but if there were such a thing I would say that they are on both ends of the political spectrum. I think Carter was a terrible President and I disagree with him on nearly everything he says but, I think he is a good and respectable leader in the area of human rights and peace. So when black leaders are excluded simply because they have conservative values simply amazes me. We are accused of “tokenizing” them but I don’t know what is worse: to say, “see, they can do it you can too” or to say, “you can’t do it unless you sell out like they did so vote for us and we will take care of you.”

He even brings up that black evangelicals voted for “against Bush” (as opposed to “for Kerry” I noticed). Why did they vote that way? Wasn’t it a Democratic governor that wouldn’t let black children go to white schools? Is not a prominent Democratic Senator a former member of the KKK? The only reason that the black population has little political power is because they vote for Democrat no matter what. The Democrats know that all they have to do every election is make empty promises and they get 90% of the vote from 12% of the population. The latino population votes 40% for Bush and what is the result? Both parties are trying hard to court the latino vote and promote policies it is assumed they want. If you think that the Minuteman Project is bad, realize that an overwhelming majority of the Republican Party is pissed about the border and the single and only reason that the Administration will not do anything about it is because of the latino vote. That is power. When the “white Christian party” as Howard Dean said, will not act on an issue because it may piss off 14% of the population, that is power. But that is because latinos are divided on both parties and therefore their power lies in their need for favorable policies. So although the majority of other persons of color voted “against” Bush, it was not quite as “vast” as it would seem. If the black populace wants power they need to start listening to Republicans. I’m a Republican that actively tries to talk to blacks about issues and even ask what should my party be doing to help, but they often don’t want to talk to me simply because I’m a Republican. So if the leaders do this then where is the incentive for the Republicans to make policies to court their vote and where is the incentive for the Democrats to do anything when they get the vote anyway? There is none and therefore there is no “black power” other than unity against a system that can give them what they need if they would just engage that system with political discourse.

The section in which he says that whites may screw up on the job and stuff and it is no big deal is entirely false. I don’t doubt that this may happen on occasion but anybody that screws up royally will find his or her place on the lower rungs of the corporate ladder. We live in a globalized world in which competition in business among corporations is so fierce that anyone that will produce more money will be in the key spots. That is the difference between government and business. Business is efficient and if they are not they will fail and be gone. Failure is not rewarded in business and often ignores color. Coming up short $50 in a drawer at a job may factor in race but losing $10 million in profits for a quarter by cooking the books or otherwise will not allow any saving grace for a white person over a black person. The business world honors perfection and there are reasons that CEO’s have $50 million per year salaries. At the very least, as X discusses, minorities should start their own corporations. A few have and they have been very successful.

I agree with him about Bush and his constant mispronunciations. No doubt that if that were a black person people would start drawing outrageous connections. Although, I hear a lot of vague connections made about extremely unrelated things and Republicans. Air America alone can fill hours a day talking about the most stereotypical and blatant lies about the Republican Party and Christians. I mean, “Christians only support the war because it is another crusade” and “Republicans are saving the rape videos for political fundraisers” are statements with absolutely no thought or reasoning behind them. This of course doesn’t compare to that of race but it is just an example that what one person for one group does gets dragged onto the whole group. Remember that Mr. Wise did say that all whites are privileged because of a minority of white oppressors from a century ago. A lot of good white men died to preserve a union that was divided on the issue of slavery and the rights of man. Many forget this as they say “Lincoln didn’t free the slaves.” That’s true but Lincoln also had his head blown off by a racist that hated his views on slavery. Had Lincoln lived, race relations would be very different in the USA.

I agree with him about the Hmong immigrant and the shootings. The Hmong people do not need to distance themselves from him because what he did has nothing to do with the culture and values of the Hmong people. As a Christian I constantly have to distance myself from the “Christians” that hate gays and bomb abortion clinics. Should I not distance myself from them and condemn them? Of course I should. There is nothing more interesting than being the president of the College Republicans yet openly condemning the “Christian” view of demonizing gays, a view which some of our members have. I don’t just distance them from myself, I distance them from Christian beliefs of love for others and Republican values of personal liberty. I think that white Christians did distance themselves from Timothy McViegh and if they didn’t it might have been because he was then tracked down by white detectives, tried in a white community, convicted by a white jury, and summarily executed at the cheers of white people and peoples of all color. This is why when he says that Arab Muslims should not back themselves away from the terrorists, I have to disagree. More babies than ever were named Osama in 2002 than any year prior. Is that a condemnation or a commemoration? Terrorists are doing everything in the name of Islam and shouting “Allah Huackbar” (God is great) all the way, specifically as they saw off the heads of their captives. Islamic theocracies in the mideast shout “death to America” as they ratify the development of nuclear energy, which is not very difficult to convert into nuclear weaponry. At home we are told that Islam is a religion of peace yet the Free Palestine students want to wear Hamas armbands at graduation. Nothing wrong with freedom of expression but when Hamas is an organization that openly advocates the destruction of Israel and uses women and children to bomb busses full of Israeli women and children I have to ask myself if this is condemnation or commemoration. Some white people want the destruction of Israel but I’m not about to let them wear swastika armbands. When Saudi Arabia gives money to support wahabi schools, which promote terrorism, and also gives money to prop up mosques in America I think a few questions are warranted. When my sister’s own fiancé whose mother is from Afghanistan and father is from Pakistan tells me that some traveling imams talk a lot about the US as “infidels” rile up the youth, I begin to wonder; although he did make an interesting comment that “Bush is god’s punishment for them [Afghanistan] for allowing terrorism.” When polls taken after the London bombings determine that several hundred thousand Muslims in England saw the attacks as justified I begin to believe that it might be necessary for the moderates to condemn the radicals and separate themselves. I think most Americans realize that terrorists do not follow the true Islam but we are beginning to question if Muslims are going to follow Islam or cower in fear of the terrorists. I can plainly say that if people were constantly committing acts of terrorism in the name of Christianity they would be banished from American society and there would be public outcry. This is why neo-nazis and the KKK are relegated to complaining on the internet. In many ways Christianity has separated from the more radical elements. Sure some groups are pretty hateful in their words towards gays and abortion doctors but you don’t see them flying planes into the San Francisco skyline or numerous bombings of clinics. At most there is a bunch of morons picketing gays somewhere and people, not morons, civilly protesting Roe v. Wade.

White privilege should be eradicated. But it won’t because it requires people to come down off of a pedestal they don’t perceive themselves as being on. The best way to have privilege for all is for individuals to rise up and bring their friends with them. People need to distance from those that want trouble from all and work together. Until people find common ground and help each other out then we will continue to be divided. As long as whites are focusing on “victimization” and minorities are focusing on “white privilege” as the central problem and everyone is divided into colors no matter what their hopes, aspirations and intentions are then we will continue to live in a mess and not a melting pot. But that might be the society that people prefer anyway. Divided over united. Divisions create the power for some to unite many against a perceived issue, enemy or problem, which is then exploited by everyone on every side of the issue. We see it daily and it will continue.

Peace,
Matt

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Tatiana
Date: Aug 28, 2005 1:26 AM

if you would read this whole article.

http://www.zmag.org/sustainers/content/2005-01/06wise.cfm

It's by an antiracist white male activist named Tim Wise. You can skip all the workshops and conferences, but it'd be great if you read this because he articulates the ideas about racism and privilege very well, that I'd like to convey.

Let me know what you think, or even let him know what you think, with his contact at the bottom of the article.

Tatiana

Cricket Assassin

2005-08-27T02:07:00.000-07:00

So, it was Molly's birthday on Monday. And I, being the crappy aunt that I am, didn't get her anything, or even call her, because I was all caught up in making dinner. Now, I am going to sit the girls on Sunday, and it is time to have a present. Molly loooooooves horses. Leigh suggests making art, instead of the tried and true Target gift card, because I "don't have to spend [my] money". This is this afternoon. Time to brainstorm!! At first, I can't get my head around horse time, but I browse images, and eventually, an idea forms in my head.

FINALLY, after hours of searching, I find the image I need. By this time, it is actually, technically morning, and there is sooo not time to draw and paint everything from scratch. I get a brilliant idea, whose legitimacy I am none too sure of. I cut out a piece of drawing paper to fit the printer, print out the image I've found, and proceed to sort of "color it in". It's in the style of what I would have done from scratch, but the original image was already there for me.

Now, is that cheating? Or is it only cheating if I think it's cheating, and also don't tell people what I did, but let them think I drew the image from scratch? So many things to think about ...

Also, I did something this evening that I never thought I'd do. I killed a cricket with Raid. It's so terrible. But Naureen was freaking out, and I couldn't reach high enough to catch it and let it go outside. Naureen was screaming and hyperventilating, so ... I sprayed. I feel sad about it. It's such a wrong thing to do.

Well, I did several of the things on my list, which impresses me. I didn't do the bathroom. For some reason, I'm just not feeling it. But I made horse art, and vacuumed, and there must be some worth in that. Sleepy time!

Sweaty in my own house ...

2005-08-26T01:39:00.000-07:00

... Is not a way I like to be, but it tends to happen more often then not, 'specially if I spend extended time in my bedroom, the floor of which seems to be alive, as evidenced by the fact that it fucking generates heat. It's kind of like an exciting oven adventure.

So last night, I couldn't sleep, and I decided that it was because there was too much light coming into the room (two bright lights right outside my window do shine directly onto my bed - it's fun). I therefore rummaged around for something to tack over the window, and decided to use the hanging/cloth/tablecovering/I-don't-really-know-what-it-is-but-it's-pretty thingie I bought from Eric's store a while back. It covers nicely, and I covered the other window, the really bright one, with a sheet of something made for just that purpose, but which is too narrow for the other window. So industrious was and have been I. Of course, the window coverings didn't help, and I still didn't get to sleep for a bit. Oh well. The productivity continues to flow. Cleaned/tidied the bedroom floor last night. Got under the bed tonight, and started on the closet. My biggest issue seems to be that I like to hoard papers. Dealing with them now is easy, because enough time has passed that they aren't important anymore.

Looking at my desk and seeing desk, and at the floor and seeing floor is so ... satisfying. And yet the clutteredness is not dispelled, because even though the scary piles of paper filling up the center of my room have been dispelled, there are still neater, more discrete piles lining the walls, and everything just feels ... cluttered. I don't think I will really ever enjoy a pristine personal space. Not that I think I would actually enjoy pristine personal space. I am more of a nester. But still, it is better, emotionally, to live in what can be perceived as clutter, but what has its own order, rather than something that is really a big mess and the result of not wanting to deal with shit. Manana I will finish the closet and actually clean - dusting, vacuuming, sweeping, scrubbing. How productive I am. I wonder what it's about. Also, why so late in the evening?

In other news, I am working for Mary for two more weeks, because, let's face it, I've made no other plans, and she needs somebody who knows what they're doing during training. I'm sure it's an incredibly unhealthy decision on my part, but I want to think that my recent cleaning spurt is somehow indicative of a greater pattern of involvment and energy in my overall life.

So, I have a dilemma. The older brother called and invited me to come hang in Newport Land this weekend, which is always joyful times. However, this weekend is the scheduled festivities for Jon's 21st, which is technically next Thursday, but it's a time everyone can be together. I love Jon, and 21st birthday time is important. But the lure of the beach is powerful. Also, the bro and sis want me to sit the girls. Ai. I love Newport vacation time. It rejuvenates my soul so very deeply. And right now, Nina Simone and I are Feelin' Good, and it is happy times. Such a favorite song.

So, I need to go over my resume, which of course has not changed since I updated it last, but I need to start tweaking it, and working out how to prioritize different shit for different jobs. And I need to look at study abroad programs seriously. I wonder if I am cleaning so much because it's something that needs to be done, but at least it's not looking for a job or making a decision about my life. It's amazing the things that get done when you don't want to do what you need to do.

Tomorrow: Tasty leftovers, Ray (finally), closet, vacuum, sweep, scrub, ... research study abroad programs. That's a good post-work time. Oh, and figure out what's happening this weekend. That too. Toodles.

Who's A Sleepy Bunny?

2005-08-24T15:51:00.000-07:00

I am!! Sleepy sleepy. Post- food coma maybe, I dunno. I am once again at work with nada to do. And when there is nada to do, we blog! Natch. I need to stop eating the velamints like they were candy. They're mints, dammit! Artificially sweetened, vanilla-flavored mints ... You know, it's a long walk to eliminating sugar from one's diet. OK, I just need to get totally tangential right now, because I think that Jack Johnson is covering Sublime on the internet radio, and it's strangey strange to me. So confused ...
As I read the blogs of my spouse Tati, I feel that mine pale so sadly in comparison. I'm just rambling about the minutiae of my life, while she is eloquently and articulately and beautiful combatting racism, sexism, heterosexism, and making insightful political commentary on the corruption and failings of the US gov't. In short, I feel that I suck. But that is just the first step, for there is inspiration in understanding one's own suckness. It can propel you to move forward. So, I read the paper today. Online, of course. Go me.
Oh, and speaking of reading things, I don't know if it's just the current issue, but "Adbusters" is fucking phenomenal, and I regret every copy I glanced at and did not immediately inhale. Because of a short story I read in it yesterday, "The Rebranding of Billy Bailey", I bought two books by author Cory Doctorow, of whom I had never heard heretofore. Yesterday, I also bought two posters by Riva Lehrer, a visual artist, whose series, Circle Stories, is amazing. It consists of different portraits of leading activists in the disability community, and I did a whole paper/presentation on her portrait of Tekki Lomnicki, playwright, performer, director, and activist, based out of Chicago, for my Dance/Gen/Sex class this past winter quarter. At the time, I didn't have the money to buy the actual print - and I don't have the money now, but I want it. I also bought a smaller print of a portrait of Eli Clare, an environmental, trans, and disability activist.
On the way to work this morning/afternoon, I contemplated how there is so very much to learn in the world, outside the pervue of school and academia, and that made me happy, because I want to learn so much, everything, almost, and I don't want to be weighed down by the idea that I can only learn within specific constructs and parameters. So I read read read, and I need to start do do doing, even though action and doing as a way of learning has only recently surfaced as a valid and important method. I'm so used to paper and words and stuff. Because that's what I am geared to, and gifted in. But, as I've said myriad times before, the learning that I've done outside of the classroom in the past 2 1/2 years has been far more important and meaningful than almost everything before that.
I ramble, in hopes of killing time before the hour to leave is upon me. I just want to work all my allotted hours this and next week so I can make the most out of my little part time job. Oooh, still sleepy. And I've been drinking water, just like Matt and my mother are constantly admonishing me to do.
Did I already say that I cleaned my desk last night? I did. And it was good. I discovered many magical things, and now I can see actual desk, something I have not been able to say in ages. Next step, the floor, which is considerably worse off.
I need to figure out if I am going to be able to get myself to LA land this weekend for to: Maybe have happy birthday time with Jon, Say a final farewell to Dannyboy, and Go to Sunset Junction w/ Rachel and see Rilo Kiley (which I have never done - the Rilo Kiley part, not the Sunset Junction part). Ok, I feel like I have covered all the spectrums of events in the past 24 hours. Ima make yummy basgetti tonight, and maybe, just maybe, finish that damn Oz. Time to check my email for the 10th time this afternoon!

Poor Lil' White Girl

2005-08-23T15:58:00.000-07:00

So, some days are good days for contemplation and revelation, ya' know? Today, it seems, is one of those days. I'm still at work, but, since I have completed the list of tasks my boss left me, I am now earning min wage for blogging! How sweet life is. This morning, Daniel and BossJocie IM'd me, and that got my head heading in a direction it hasn't for a while. I mean yeah, I been reading and whatev, and right now Angela Davis' autobio is phenomenal, but truly thinking and remembering and doing what is important has been kinda far from myself, as I try to drown in a numbing wash of tele. And so, what do now realize? Specially after talking to the folks I love, and taking a peek at Fernando's blog? Clare needs to be around some radical folk once more. Hanging out with the happy mainstream white people has made my self mushy and lazy. I've gotten to the point where I don't even think it's weird if I look around a room and see only white folk. What is that?? Clare should have gone to USSA Congress, yes she should have. Oh well, regrets are shitty.
So, for a while, on the edges of what I let myself think about, I've been contemplating the fact that I seem to want to wait till I run away to some big city before I start "doing something". Even though I know that there is plenty of shit to do where I am right now, and if I am telling myself that I cannot be active and meaningful and radical in the IE, and that that's why I need to move away, then that's some bullshit. I think that I hesitate to seek out/ become involved in local orgs/communities because I don't want to feel tied here. Clare doesn't like Riverside. But that's because I want shiny happy glamourous pretty things. I want the beach, and I want good food, and I want some fucking art and theatre and decent fucking movies. It's the same old story of just wanting to be somewhere magic, which always is whatever place isn't where I am right now. But for real, I miss that shit, and these days, everytime I visit LA, my spirit lifts and I just get happier. So I guess I just need to re-examine WHY I want to do/go what/wherever.
Would it be better and braver for me to stay here, find some job that will keep me alive, and start working in this community of which I have so diligently prevented myself from becoming a part? How valid is my desire to go live somewhere exciting and big and full of plays and shit? Ai.
I been reading the current issue of Adbuster - a mag I've purchased often, but which I never seem to read with any kind of diligence - and there's an article about the post-Culture Wars era, and it mentions the work of Alma Lopez, and her re-imagining of La Virgen de Guadalupe, and it was like I was hit with a big WHAM! I remembered that a year and a half ago, I did a report/presentation on representations/evolutions of La Virgen and her image. I remembered that I used to care about shit and arte and critical discourse and crap. Oi, I don't even know what I'm saying. I just know that a) I was excited to read about Lopez and her work and actually know who she was, and the pieces to which the article referred, and b) it reminded me that there is so much I want to learn and do and be, and I have been doing myself a huge fucking disservice by hiding from myself and my life.
There. That's more honesty than I've put forth in a while. I guess we'll all have to ruminate on it for a bit.

It's all so ... yeah

2005-08-23T00:58:00.000-07:00

Ah, Paul Simon sings to me about how everyone in New York died, and he seems to be the only one left. I think my sense of time is messed up. Especially what constitutes “early” and “late”. But, I am obviously shifted to a later schedule. The idea that waking up at 6am might be a “normal” thing seems utterly ridiculous to me. 10 is pushing it, in my opinion.

Today was a rather uneventful time, although I did make very yummy dinner for the boys and myself. It incorporated many of the fabulously expensive ingredients I purchased this weekend. It was a pasta herby cheesy yumminess thing. And it involved me not physically spending money today, which is good because I’ve already spent far too much on food. Ai. Money. It’s funny, I am filled with the importance of figuring out how to get more, most likely by acquiring gainful employment, however all my positive attitudes and awareness have not been able to cut through my hesitance/nervousness/fear of doing something decisive. I don’t even want to do something that will significantly help clean my room. I always think that everything needs to be so theatrical and perfectly timed. I fear that I labor too much under the delusion that life is in fact some kind of novel or play or film. I guess I think that I don’t have enough confidence in myself to direct the course of what I do, which is why I like to wait until things all come to a head and I don’t have any choice, I just have to follow whatever the bends …

On a health note, my mouth feels much better, and all the symptoms of that seem to be gone. However, I grew inexplicably tired this afternoon, like to the point of not being able to keep my eyes open without effort. I don’t know what all that’s about. I took my acidophilus and superfood this morning, which carrot juice. I’m trying. So far, I haven’t actually gone a whole day without white sugar. The sauce in my noodle thing this afternoon definitely had sugar. Plus, I unthinkingly bought a thing of chai – I just remembered how much I like it, not that most of why I like it is that it’s full of sugar. However – no candy! I guess that’s something. And I find myself not getting all preoccupied with the wanting of sugar. Of course, I’m still drinking juice and eating a lot of starches. Baby steps. I wonder how much I am chalking my not exercising to not having ready access to a vcr, since my exercise tapes are, well, tapes. Maybe I will move the baby tv/vcr from my room to the living room tomorrow and just do 15 minutes of something. It’s such a perpetual thing. And I need to decide what kind of priority I’m going to give losing weight and being healthy. For what I need to actually bring my body to where it needs to be, I need to have a lot of focus and diligence and energy. At least from everything I remember. Why does being healthy seem to be so time-consuming? I know that when I get busy, taking care of myself is the first thing to fall by the wayside. And I can’t dwell on how much more productively I might have spent this summer, because that doesn’t do any good. Well, the tiredness is finally upon me, so I suppose I will go answer its call. Night night.

Huh

2005-08-22T01:32:00.000-07:00

So, I guess that I will need to do just to a Word doc, and post my blogs to all the various and sundry sites, so that all the little and various childrens can read them, since copying and pasting don't seem to be working too good. And I am all written out today. Suffice it to say, I'm feeling posty again, and I do want to people in other states to know what I'm doing and feeling too :-) OK, even though I don't work until la tarde, I still need to be a sleeper. I am, after all, a delicate flower. Or something. Kisses to the people I miss and love and don't hardly ever see.

Oh the longness of the bitter ....

2005-04-18T01:02:00.000-07:00

OK, so it's sort of a super-random time for me to post, because really I've needed it alot more in the last couple weeks, but something just kept me from doing it. Regardless of what Boal says about the use of catharsis to keep society all in check and complacent, my head's been on the verge of exploding since last Thursday, and I have needed some release.

I guess the best thing to do is just list all the shit that's been going on and how I feel about it, so I can get it outside of me and stop carrying it all around inside.

I am now writing from the calmer side of a really stressful couple of weeks, compounded by the supremely fucked-up shit that happened in senate. I haven't been able to express my opinion in a public way yet, and I think this is as good a place to start as any. So, ASUCR's senate. I guess that there is some kind of plan to make sure it's only conservative and white by the end of the quarter, and it seems to be succeeding. It's so strange, because I took my internship so much for granted, and now something that has been an integral and central part of my life since August is suddenly taken away from me, and it's left me in lots of sadness and pain. God, when I think of Clais coming to tell me, through her tears, that Travis Randel had been electged EVP, my desire to do violence to the senate surges up in me, and it is hard to not scream. I am incredibly disappointed and appalled that the members of ASUCR's senate could for even a moment entertain the idea that somehow Travis is more qualified to be EVP than Clais. She's worked in the office for 2 years for heaven's sake! There is, in fact, no one eligible to be EVP who as qualified as Clais. Dear lord, give me the strength not to walk into that fucking office and cuss everyone out.

Beyond that, the thing that enrages and wounds me the most, is that that fucking office was my family and my life, and some asshole came in and destroyed that. There is no one in the entire senate who cares as much about their work as we do. The connection I have with the people in external transcends some working relationship or friendship. Fuck the senate for coming into my home, my family, my safe space, and tearing it apart. Fuck them. And now that I am out of the office, I can say what I truly think. We were, and are, the hardest-working students there. What we worked on mattered, even if other folks were alienated by our "agenda" - one which was focused on expanding and saving access to higher education for all people. God, I hate people. So very very much. They ought to be ashamed. We worked on our shit because we cared about helping and empowering students, about social justice, not because we wanted a cool bullet for law school apps. And why were we so separated from most of senate? Because most of senate is made up of a bunch of privileged, white kids who don't even recognize or care about their privilege, or the fact that they do not represent their student body. The queer kids and folks of color were concentrated in our office, which I guess freaked other people out.

My desire to bash people in the head with a blunt object knows no bounds, along with my desire to throw up when I see certain individuals. Certain, white, male, privileged individuals. Goddammit. Feh.

See, this was so going to be an emumeration of my shit, but it just turned into a rant.

In other news, last week was all crazy busy, the "Homosexuality is a Sin" people were out with their pretty banners, garnering us some crazy support for Day of Silence, for which I should send them a thank you letter. Then there was DoS, which was great and all, within the confines of a day of action, but I really don't know what the point was. We so could have used it as a tactic in the campaign for g/n restrooms, but instead all we were was visible, which is something, I guess. Then the strike, and the fucking college republicans profiting off of it. Oi, my anger. The thing is - and not all folks may know this - I used to be a republican. I did. I used to listen to Dr. Laura and Rush Limbaugh and attend pro-life conventions and all that. So, I know from personal experience that people can change. But when I see republican people of color, I just want to scream. I am not saying that the democrats are any better, because really, what the fuck is the difference, but republicans who are people of color, or womyn or queer just confuse and frustrate me. Alot.

So there was all that, and then Tati and I went up to Merced for that interview, and there were cows next to the campus. Which, from what I hear tell is not unusual, but it is a new experience for me, so I don't know how I feel about it. I'm not sure if it's a job I want, although it would be super-cool to not have to worry about how I'm going to live for the next year. I am trying to keep myself open to not getting it, because I don't want to build up all these scenarios around having the job, only to ... not. And I'm not sure if I can survive without a strong queer community focused on activisim and social justice. I could totally do the job, and do it well, but living in Merced for a year ... ? I dunno. That might kill my soul too much ... although my mama says that it would take 3 years for that to start happening.

I'm just realizing that I want to live somewhere where I don't have to "make do", but where I can have access to the communities and resources and cultural events upon which I thrive. I want to experience and create some art dammit!! I want to be around a bunch of progressive folks. I want to be able to go see avant-garde plays and music and dance and art and shit. Why do I have this feeling that that will not happen in Merced. And the resemblance to my home town was just a bit much. Like most folks, I have been trying to get away from their for a long time, but I just seem to find myself in similar places, over and over again. I know that I am afraid to claim what I want and need, and have the habit of settling for what's comfortable and safe, but I have to start making my happiness a priority.

OK, now the tired is here, and it is time to sleep, for tomorrow will be full of campaigning. God, we need to win this election. I am so afraid of what will happen if we don't. Think happy thoughts, and if you go to UCR, vote dammit!

It's only a little explosion

2005-01-31T23:25:00.000-08:00

Inside my head. So, I have refrained from journaling for months, a super-healthy choice I am sure. There has just been something so frightening about committing thoughts to paper, but as I once again find myself teetering on the brink, without the luxury of hiding in my bed, too much sugar in my system, and a day without dance, my inherent self-preservation is trying to battle down the old self-destruct sequence.

I'm doing my usual, oh crap I have lots of shit to do, how the fuck will I get it all done song and dance. It's fun. I am afraid of going to talk to my Buddhism prof because .... I have no idea. No, that is not true. I totally have an idea. I respect and admire him alot, and I totally didn't do any of the work I told him I would do, and I don't want to face his potential disappointment, so I hide from him, and the thought of everything I haven't done gnaws at me deep inside my head. That's fun. And now that I have named it .... I dunno. I all of a sudden am very cognizant of the things I need to do for External, and so that stressness is kicking in. I have all this anxiety around talking to Bill Cole, some dude in the Alumni Association because I don't really know what I'm doing. To know what I'm doing, I need to call the UCSA and USSA offices, and that makes me nervous. Still. I feel like the silly stupid outsider, so that sucks. Um... I was really excited about working on getting ready for LegCon... but I dunno. That Clare, she's not much of a self-starter. Then there's the stuff for NQSC - the need to do the QPOC organizing guide, and the thingie for gender-neutral restrooms. I am just feeling behind and like I can't follow through, and it makes me sad. Lobby Con is coming up, and due to my inability to keep the big picture in my head this quarter, I got a bunch of stuff due/to do around the same time, and I am not prepped. The very thought of it is freaking me out. I have a midterm and a paper, and oh my heck. I need to make a timeline, a list, a something, because I am so close to not being able to breathe. Breathe breathe breathe. Tomorrow is meetings and lots of class ... and I feel anxiety about the D/G/S reader, because I wrote in it, but I needed to to actively read, and I didn't get it to Mark so he could answer the question and .... Yeah. And then there's Oz, and my clinging to it for whatever set of reasons. And I am old. SO old. I mean, not in the grand scheme of things, but contextually, I am O-L-D. How can suicide seem so comforting and accessible even in the abstract, coming off of nothing? Or coming off of something, but prefaced by what seems to be a fine and pleasant experience of the world. It's become Zero to Nihilism in 10 seconds.

Ai, maybe I am talking myself down - which means the exhiliration of the drama is gone, but the ability to function and think is returned. Silly silly, all the time.

Bagels are a Tasty Treat

2004-11-11T16:02:00.000-08:00

Why is it that cloudy days make me want to be all domestical? I light candles, burn incense, and clean and cook and bake. It must be some kind of hibernating thing.

So, I saw Janean yesterday, as I was walking to work, and she was walking from, and she reminded me that a year ago, I had promised to make her bagels. Since today is an 0ff-day from school, I decided to keep my promise. I hadn't made bagels in a while, but they are as yummy as I remember. Really, home made bread foods are the best. The yeastiness is so homey ... On a side note, the kids at the Palace of Excess better call me back, else I'm gonna eat all the yummy bagels by my own self. And I am totally capable of such an undertaking.

There is a gross cough that is welling up from the depths of my chest, and I feel that that cannot bode well. There is never a good time to be sick, but the end of the quarter is a super-bad time. Oi, how did the end of the quarter come? Where did it go? So much to think about.

I read my last post, and wow, I was in a fucking bad place. Pre-election, what the fuck am I gonna do with my life, why can't I do things right. All that jazz - except for the election part, it's a regular occurence. But right now I am in my happy place. I am adjusting mentally to the idea that I am graduating in the Spring. The weirdness of that is tremendous. 8 years people. 8 YEARS. Hopefully, I will be able to forestall a complete nervous breakdown.

I've been feeling the need for some deep contemplation, self-evaluation, and planning time. I would sort of like to retreat to my parents' house this break and figure some things out. We'll see how feasible that is. The fact that my father is having shoulder surgery 2 days before my birthday leaves me less than excited. It's not that I don't love him with all my heart, it's just that I tend to be happier when we don't spend alot of time together .... He's written me a couple emails in the past month, and they are so ... indicative of our relationship, and they just piss me off, which is weird because other than the strange formality, most people would think that they were very pleasant. But to me, they reveal the ignorance he lives in regarding his family, and the overwhelming dominance and patronizing attitude he seems to just radiate. My mama ... we have reached a point, especially with phone time, that is very much more friendship than parent-child - or maybe that's always been there. I've always struggled with not feeling the need to take care of her, but it makes me sad when I know she is sad, and I think t hat I can see ways to fix it, but really, not my job.

Maybe I will schedule an appt w/ my old therapist over winter break. I bet he's totally booked. But, I can try. I kinda want to take a nap. Nap time, like bagel time, is happy time.

Why do I keep putting off writing my letter of appeal to the finaid office? I got the notice over a month ago ... I do like to generate crisis. Taking preemptive action is so impossible and scary. I wonder why.

I have actually started the reading for the weekly paper due in Buddhism this Monday, which is a total first. Usually it's all about late Sunday nights. But not this time!! I will rise above!! In the last 2 weeks of school!! AHHHH!! Love the family, joy to the world, happy day to all...

Motherfuck everything

2004-10-24T18:31:00.000-07:00

Everything can fuck off. I can't take the time to have a breakdown, because I have too much shit to do, I can't stop doing the shit I have to do, because I have to honor my commitments, I'm not gonna hurt myself, because that will just be messy, but I will prolly be pretty mean to myself and do things that aren't good for me, because that is easier than taking care of myself, I have no idea what I am doing or why, and I know that I am on the edge of losing it, and for folks who know, the cutting is everywhere. Fuck.

Detachment ... and not the good kind

2004-10-20T22:29:00.000-07:00

So, I was super-looking forward to the DC trip. And now it's come and gone. And I feel indifferent.

I think I want magical magic, and the world isn't like that, and not everything that ever happens will be the Best Thing Ever. It's just that this year has been filled with alot of Best Things Ever, and I kinda want them to continue. Right now, I am in this place where I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing, why I'm pouring so much of myself into things. I've gotten so closely involved, I can't step back and actually see the purpose of what I do. Which tells me that I am running away, running away. People have been asking me how I am, and I don't know. I know that I am busy and I am tired, but I do not know if I am happy or sad or whatever. I haven't felt this cut off in a while. I feel fulfilled, I think, but maybe I just feel like all my time is filled. I'm caught up in the momentum, and I don't know where it's going, and last night, all I wanted was someone to cuddle with. It's the first thing I've just wanted in a while. Oi. As I'm writing this, I don't even know if it is an accurate reflection of where I am, because I'm so completely indifferent. I just don't care. I have these tasks I need to complete, so I am completing them, and I am good at it, and I like doing tasks and getting work done, and the sense of accomplishment that comes from that, but yeah. I dunno.

Also, I am tired, so that influences alot of what I am writing right now. So. I dominate space alot. My biggest fear is that one of the times I make that statement, someone will agree with me, and then my insides will be crushed, because I hate making mistakes. It's all tied to self-worth crap. So, I've decided that when I'm in meetings, I am going to write myself a note that says "listen". I need to do that more. I used to be so good. But last night, we were having a rap group -- grrrl talk - in the LGBTRC, and I came in late, and I totally started talking and trying to facilitate. It was crazy. I just like be in charge. Quietness, that is important. Self-facilitation baby.

I wonder if the soup I'm eating has gone bad? It is one of those soups in boxes, and I opened it some time last week, and then I went to DC, and it says to eat within 7 days of opening, so maybe I should not eat it. Hmm.

I miss my USSA familia. All of of them. All of the ones that are familia, at least. My ear hurts. Grr. I have a midterm in Buddhism on Friday. It's a crazy class, and I really need to start studying, because I'm already in a precarious place with my absences and not doing papers and stuff. I have 90, 000 years of reading to do, we'll see what actually happens. Right now, I feel like the best thing in the world would be to go to sleep. Maybe I will. I think my health may be more important than me starting to study tonight. Although I have a panelist training tomorrow. So much!!

Oh, and my dad emailed me the other day. Now, to any other person who read it, it would seem like the best thing ever. He tells me about how he's happy, everyone's happy, he and my mother are growing closer, blah de blah, and it just makes me want to scream and break something. I know that it is because change makes us afraid, and we defend against that with anger, but my reaction has not changed. Up until about 3 years ago, my father was a melancholy and incredibly angry man. I had alot of fear of him, we all constructed our lives so as not to disturb him. He started therapy, and all that good stuff, and his life is in a better place. Which just pisses me off. I want to justify it by saying that I am mad because he makes these sweeping generalizations about how everyone else is feeling, which are completely false. But mostly, I know, I just resent him for being happy, and am freaked out that the whole way I understand and refer to him has been upended. Although really, if I hear "i'm not angry anymore," I will scream.

Thanksgiving should be good times. At least it's not my mother's birthday as well. Last year, my mother's birthday was on Thanksgiving, and my father said that he wanted to do something special, because my mother had been battling breast cancer, and we needed to celebrate that she was still alive. And then my father got drunk, with the rest of his family, didn't do anything, and my mother ... well she was upset. So, everybody, plus some more folks, are coming t his year.

I'm also contemplating having a holiday coming out adventure. I've never come out to my extended family, just 'cuz I don't care if they know, but we'll all be talking about what we're doing, and I've been pretty busy, and what I've been busy with is mostly queer stuff. So, that should be fun. But I'll run it by my mother first, see how she feels. She doesn't need more trauma. Although it isn't my job to make sure she's ok. Who's been in therapy? Yeah.

Ok, I feel that that was properly cathartic, so yay. I'm gonna clean up the kitchen and then go to sleep. Before midnight! I rule. I love and I miss folks. Y'all know who you are.

Fuck the Flow of Time

2004-09-27T21:58:00.000-07:00

This is me posting when I desperately need to be reading instead. Buddhism is gonna kick my ass. SO MUCH READING. AND PAPERS. Meh. But my teacher rocks. So yeah.

Last night, I was totally composing this post in my head about how people need to call me out when I talk about how I can't be political or strategic, because I do that shit all the time. Maybe not on a grand scale, but I am all polite and nice and whatever else to people I know I need to work with and who I'm gonna need to ask for things later, or who can make my life easier. So all that blathering about how strategic is not what I do? That's crap. Just so people know.

But tonight, that is not really what is on my mind. No, I have a much more traditional-journal, navel-gazing topic. The fact that it is completely unoriginal does not escape me, but not everything in this world can be original, in fact very little is ... and now I am rambling.

I just realized, once again, how much stock and faith I put in the constancy of people. My greatest investments and the things that are most important to me are the relationships with people, and like most people, I want those things to stay the same. Same is good and safe and comfortable and joy, and change is not. So I've been embarking on all these changes in attitude and action, all the while expecting that the things that matter, my relationships with people, would stay the same. Which is kinda funny, because people are the most changing things in our world. I just want everyone to be in their niche, so I can always come back to them, and step into a familiar pattern. I think that lots of my life is built around trying to recapture unique moments in time, and I haven't really come to a true understanding of the fact that just cannot happen. Nothing is ever the same. But I attach myself to people so strongly. Pushing and pulling and shifting those bonds is hard, and sometimes the littlest change can break them. And then I was waxing poetic again. Bleh.

I need to learn to be ok in who I am, and not rely on the people around me to provide all of my validation. Because that is what I do. I happen to have shifted the group of people to whom I look for that validation, and they expand my life and my brain, and bring me joy, but that is still what I am doing. I would not change where I am, because where I am is where I am supposed to be, or else I wouldn't be here, but how I relate to the world around me is not perhaps the best way. I've talked to Pinky and DGS and Daniel in the past few days about turning to the outward world so that you don't have to focus on yourself. We work on and help the world around us so that we don't have to pay attention to ourselves, and work on us. Why do none of us seem to like who we are? We each think the rest are fabulously wonderful beings, what prevents our own comprehension of that?

So much to think about. But now it is time to read about the nature of canon, or lack thereof, in different Buddhist traditions. Go school!

Postal Surprises

2004-09-23T21:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you go to the mail, and you get a package from your sister, and it has the bra you left at her apartment in San Diego in it! And that is a great great time, because you were really missing that bra, and it was your only dark bra, and it was looking kinda tacky when you wore your dark shirts with your light bra. Sometimes that is what happens.

So, today was our first day of class, and I was so not about it. I'm still not. The entire time I was sitting there in the front row, looking engaged, but really writing to do lists for my day, and occasionally answering questions because I guess the rest of the class hasn't got a clue, all I kept thinking was "I wish I were taking something that mattered to me and that I found engaging, instead of another euro-centric blah de blah class about stuff that happened 500 years ago. Now, you must bear in mind that I fucking love history. LOVE IT. And I love art history. However, at this point in time, Baroque Rome ain't doin' it for me. If I could get some seminars in Modern Latin American Art, or Women Artists, I would be so down. But Baroque Rome? Please. However, it's my fault for choosing my major a bit willy nilly. Now I have discovered lots of other things out there in the world that I would love to learn, but alas, it is art history and religious studies for me. I just need to be able to discuss, and none of my classes this quarter seem like they will lend themselves to that. Meh.

In other news, have you ever had Jerry Maguire moment? Not the one where he flips out in the office, and then Renee Zellweger or however you spell her name, goes with him. I mean earlier, when he first writes and copies and distributes the memo thingie and then the next morning wakes up and realizes what he's done and then Jay Mohr takes his job. So, I am actually in the middle of one of those moments. I am at the point where I could just stop and pretend like it never happened, or I could continue on, and do something that could end up making me feel very foolish. I got all caught up in emotion the other night, and started doing something, but then I didn't have enough resources, and I stopped. And now I'm like - maybe I was being a little overly dramatic. Hmm, I think I will stick with my first impulse and do something that could be potentially very embarassing, and see what happens from there. It's always good to be brave, no?

I should make something to eat for manana, because I really don't want to get in the habit of buying food on campus. My wallet and my health can't sustain it. Also, I have to make exercise part of my schedule' else I won't do it, and I need to for my continued well-being. Oh priorities, priorities ... why is it so easy to put ourselves last?

Processing, processing

2004-09-20T21:03:00.000-07:00

I think this is gonna be a long one kids ... So, I got like 90 bamillion things running around in my head, and you know what that means ... It's Processing Time. Clare does love her processing ...

Anyhoo, where to start. Things that are happy: Finaid direct deposit baby. Yay I get to pay off those bills! Also, leftover lasagna that I didn't pay for, but that is yummy. Things that are sad: AIDS Walk LA is the same weekend as Oct Board. Also, I don't know how to let go and delegate, and I'm driving myself crazy. Things that demonstrate how my sister and I are different people: Her needing to get off the phone because 7th Heaven is on and "Lucy is going to find out the sex of the baby". I love my sister very much. But she and I ... we care about different stuff.

So, I am actually in this much more settled and content place right now, and I think it has to do with the fact that I did something that was actually for my internship, instead of someone else's. I made the hotel reservations for October board (whoo holiday inn!) and I felt a great sense of accomplishment over a small thing. It made me realize that the stress of doing work that is not actually mine has been a whole lot and it's been putting me in a sad place. Today, when Jocelyn and I were waiting to set up for voter reg at the frosh convocation, and I was murmuring to myself about stuff I had to do, and pressing my face to the wall, Jocelyn told me that she needed me to "disown" some of voter reg, because it isn't my job. And at first, I had this cold feeling of icky wash over me, like I always have when I think that someone is disappointed in me and I am a bad person ... but that passed away soon, which I was excited about, because a usual reaction to that would be to totally withdraw and just stop. But I didn't, so yay me! And then later on, I made the room reservation, and I felt better about being able to do other stuff and let go of things that are not my job. I have plenty of things that are my job, and I will feel better if I work on those. Also, I need to remember how important taking care of myself in general is. I try to exercise everyday during school, not so much for the weight thing, but because it keeps me emotionally together. It's also always the first thing to go when I get busy, and I'm kinda worried, because I haven't worked it into my schedule, and it needs to be there. I am feeling re-empowered to put myself first and take care of me, so I'm gonna say no to things that don't let me do that. Plus, being me, I know I was feeding off of the sense of being needed and vital to someone as a way of validating myself. Oh that pesky codependency that wracks my life.

I'm thinking that the myriad lists I make are part help, part hindrance. I overwhelm and overload myself with things that NEED to get done. As I was walking home from school this evening, I started thinking about what it is that drives this need I feel to do the things I do. I have been feeling all this pressure, which is pretty much self-created, do get things done and make sure what I do is perfect. After taking some time to think about it, I realized that I want to be perfect to impress and maintain the respect of the people around me. It all comes back to not wanting to disappoint people. The more things change, no?

So I'm trying to step back from that and reaffirm that I don't need to impress anybody, and things will happen, and the world will go on. As my mother says, the first day of kindergarten will come and go whethe or not the bulletin boards are up. I just have this deeply-rooted perfectionism that surfaces in instances like these. I always feel like I am being judged and my inherent worth as a person is at stake in everything I do. Processing processing processing ...

So DGS's magical response to my magical post stirred up even more feelings of comfort and joy. Oh my euphemisms. Thank you mama. Yeah. Body image ... I can rant all I want about it, but then I turn around and see someone confronted with similar feelings and situations, and I fall into old patterns of trying to "help" and "fix". In fact, what needs to be fixed is our perceptions of ourselves as human beings, and the value we place on our physical manifestation and presentation ... But what does that matter if you feel like no one will ever love you because you're fat? And the people who are in our lives, who are the families we were born into and the families we have chosen, they stand by, feeling helpless and not knowing what to do, and part of that is because they buy into the very same things we do. No matter how much they love us and think we are fabulously beautiful, they are not immune to the world around them. And if they have bodies that are more popularly appreciated as being beautiful or desirable, it can be difficult for us to hear what they have to say.

Why do we have such a conscious and unconscious equating of size and appearance with worth? Where does that come from. The media, those fucks, that's where. But of course, that is not the case. The media just helps to perpetuate the ideas and indoctrinate us with them ... Look at me and my high horse. But seriously, everyone should read "Deadly Persuasion" - it's a book about advertising and how it is basically destroying generations of young people. Good times.

What is the point of all this? Nobody can change my attitude toward myself, only I can do that. That is a challenge, since I know that deep down, beyond even body issue stuff, I really really don't like myself and think that I am not really worth anything --- which I know may set off alarm bells for people who read this, but that is my reality that I am dealing with, and I do try to have the honesty. It's why I take meds, so the lows don't get too low. I still don't know how to not hate me, but I work on it. That's why Jesus made therapy, bless him.

Beyond all of my understanding and insight, I still want to hold and love the people in my life who I experience as being beautiful, and I want to somehow shove into their brains so that a little inner light of understanding is lit, how extraordinarily breathtakingly gorgeous they are for me. But, that never ever works, does it?

Meanwhile, I want DGS to call me so that I can process some more shit with him. Process process process ...

And Where is the Body ...

2004-09-19T01:42:00.000-07:00

So I'm not diggin' on my physical manifestation too much right now. It's been a fat day. Or week. Now, one could reasonably argue that since I am a fat person, everyday is a fat day and every week is fat week. Which would of course be true. But my size in not a preoccupation every day, nor does it seem to color everything I consciously do every week. There are days when I am just me, and who I am is large, but that is not the focus of my self-perception. This has not been one of those days. Today, I feel my fat. I am aware of it. Alot. I prolly gained some weight, which is always positive, but I just feel very gross and icky in my body. Like I'm carrying around this really heave coat that covers all of me and keeps me from doing things. Everything about me seems gross right now, and I just wanna take it all off. But I can't take off myself. Meh.

Being fat is interesting, because there are several facets to the experience. On the one hand, thre is the idea that we need to break free of body-image crap and embrace our physical selves for their beauty and blah blah blah. All of which is true and important. But then there is the reality that it is rarely healthy to be fat. There is stuff my body can't do, or can only do with a great deal of uncomfortableness and strain. That is yucky. I am setting myself up to contract diabetes, my heart and liver and colon are strained far beyond anything they should have to endure, and my joints labor under the extra weight they were never meant to carry. I often feel like I am a bad person for being fat, like I did something wrong, and I am getting what I deserve, whatever that may be. It's a fluid identity, because there are lots of ways to change being fat. It is not fixed. And most fat people seem to be in some kind of constant struggle or quest to change their identity for a better one. Better is of course in the eye of the beholder, but there is no denying all the health crap involved in being fat. Oi, what to do. I don't want to be fat. Few, if any, people do. I periodically exercise for long periods of time. I eat in a healthy way. But I am carrying around a whole other human being on my body. That is how overweight I am. Imagine carrying around another one of you all the time. Crazy no?

I have no idea what the purpose of this writing is. But it was forming in my mind this evening, so I decided it was important to get down. I think about other people I know who are large, fat, overweight, whatever, and how I see them and I love them and think they are only radiantly beautiful. But I don't/can't do that with myself. I do a sad and fucked up thing sometimes. If I decide that I like someone, or that I have a crush on them, or whatever, I always cut my excitement short and give myself a mental slap by reminding myself that I am not attractive, I do not fit into whatever standard of beauty is out there, and so I am not good enough to like someone. I don't get to do that because I am not beautiful. It's something I've done for years, over a decade. Sad, no?

Oh bodies, what to do with them. So often, I want mine to go away, but it just won't. So tomorrow, I will get up and do something exercisey, more for my emotional well-being than anything else. And maybe I will decide once more that This is It. I'm gonna Be Healthy, and get rid of that fucking girl on my back. Maybe. Maybe this time.

Magical Yogurty Goodness

2004-09-17T09:10:00.000-07:00

And then all of a sudden, you've been up for an hour and have no idea where the time went or what you even did. Anyhoo, I wanted to share the magical discovery I made yesterday in the world of yogurt. I love yogurt, but not the fake, plasticky kind that is so popular, and full of corn syrup or aspartame, and has no active live cultures in it. But I like my yogurt to have fruity goodness in it, for which I do not apologize. However, at the local grocery, there isn't really a wide selection of real yogurts with fruit included, available. So, I got some of that kinda nasty plain vanilla stuff in the big tub, and then remembered that I had all-fruit preserves at home in the friedge , and when I got there, I mixed some together with the yogurt, and IT WAS SO GOOD! So, I'm feeling really excited about my innovation in the world of personal yogurt consumption.

Also, I need to remember that thai tea, when I'm on the rag, no matter how hot the curry may be, is not gonna be a good idea, because sugar and caffeine? Not a good idea. My bloated hands this morning attest to this. Ok, time to be a productive human being, or something.

How Shall I See You Through My Tears ...

2004-09-16T23:31:00.000-07:00

The cheesiness, I know. However, it's in my head, so let's all take a moment to reflect on the sparkly goodness that is Camp. I will never be able to think of that song without thinking of Daniel. He said it like every 10 minutes during the May board trip, and now it is indelibly tied to him in my mind.

I was just reflecting on the fact that I only write and post when I am feeling not so great to downright insane. I guess then, if I don't post for a while, it's a good indication that my life is rather calm and peachy, and the need for catharsis has subsided. That or I just haven't gotten out of bed in a week.

Hmm, raise your hand if you are somehow medicated by a psychiatrist-type person. Or better yet, raise your hands if you aren't - that should take less time to count.

The coming school year is looming - loomy loom loom. That gives me crawl into a hole kindsa feelings. Isn't this why I'm taking drugs? To forestall and subsume this shit? I guess not, who wants to be a non-feeling automaton, right? But man, I live in my feelings so much, I get tired sometimes.

I am an all kindsa intellectual person, blah de blah, but what drives me are my emotions, and they are some powerful fuckers. And right now, they are "running high" as it were. I just got done reading DGS' latest post, and I swear to friggin' heaven, I got all awash in some kinda somethin'. The boy perpetually has that affect on me. Whatever shell of togetherness and functionality I have going at any given time, it all goes bye bye, and all the icky emotional stuff that god knows I don't have a handle on is just there all ready to spill out. Colette says that DGS and I are both sensitive. Maybe I react to something in him, I dunno. I still am learning how to process and understand my emotions, and usually my reaction to anything strong is tears, because I don't know how to deal with it in any other way. I am such a cryer. All the friggin' time. It is a positive wonderment to me that I didn't totally lose it when saying goodbye in Pittsburgh, although I think I just shut the feeling part down, or stuffed into the bottom of my being, because I remember a very numb sensation on the bus ride to the airport. Maybe I was cried-out from the night before, when I was sobbing on the sidewalks of Pittsburgh.

By the way, this post is me totally avoiding work I have to do. I need to send out an email to the club I am somehow the prez of, doing that whole "welcome back to school! this is the shit we're gonna do! please help!" thing. I'm trying to decide if it should be in the kinda bouncy and smarmy club president voice, or if it should be in the regular voice I use, which is more of the, shut up, sit down, this what we're fucking doing, kind of voice. Meh.

This evening was pleasant. I was feeling a bit disappointed with the lack of things I got done, but Sylvia came over, and we went on a magically long and wandering trip to a thai place she knows, but that she's only ever had delivery from, and that she didn't realize was so far and in the middle of nowhere. The food, however, was good, and the conversation purposeful and fulfilling. I need to remember that however much I think I want curry, I am wrong, it will always be too hot, and then I will be a sad sad girl, and have to order thai iced tea to make it better.

What will I do manana? Some kinda exercisey something, or else I will not be able to keep it together. Whatever the fuck "it" is. But should I got into the office in the morning, and try to catch Jocie before she leaves for her retreat? Is that realisitic? Not really. I'm not very good at realistic. No, no I'm not. Hmm, sleepy sleepy nap time!

Someone Stick a Fork in my Eye ...

2004-09-16T09:06:00.000-07:00

So, Dude, how many blogs can a girl start up and drop? I guess we'll see. I only started this shit because people I love and respect deeply have decided that this is the venue for their peronal sharing time, and since I want to comment on it, I gotta get me one too. Oi, the internet.

I totally have not gotten enough sleep, but my body woke me all up this morning because my head was raging with voter reg stuff. I have GOT to learn to pace my self so I don't have a heart attack in the next month. I am totally on the verge of screaming or crying or killing something -- which is why I will be doing yoga soon. Classes start next week, and my days have been plenty full without all that jazz, and I took a look at the syllabi posted for all my classes, and I started to engage in a little emotional hyperventalation. All my profs look to be rather hardcore, as far as reading and attendance goes, and that is just no good for Clare this quarter. Time to make more lists! I live by my lists, everyday. It's like my brain, on paper, over and over.

La la la, I swear to god, the day hasn't started, and I'm already losing it. This is no good! I see myself prepping for a fall, based on past experience, and that is why I have to plan ... no crashing for miss clare, no no no. Look at me rambling ... Oh the yoga is necessary, somebody needs to get grounded, and that somebody is moi.

So, should I drop out of the Assassins production? I was all excited about being a dramaturgy-type girl, but how realistic is my participation? Sad days. I sent off an email saying that I would be able to contribute on an e-mail, phone call, and research basis, but was I lying? Probably. So sad to say no to people I love and respect. Meh.

OK, this little bit of ramble has calmed me down a bit - enough to focus on some downward dog. Hey, did I mention I'm on the rag? Yeah, that explains alot, no? Love to the people I love, amen.